Monday, March 9, 2009

Please don't judge me...

Ok so I found a paper that I wrote in college and I have decided to post it onto my blog. Please don't judge...its not like its a boring research paper. I think its kinda funny but you might not. Its a paper about when I had my appendix taken out about 5 or 6 years ago. I don't know how many grammatical errors there are. Let me know what you think! (well unless you think it stinks, then you can just lie and tell me how awesome it is.

The pain in my side came quick but stayed for a while as if to punish me for something I did in a past life. I lay curled in the fetal position in my bed confused about what just happened. I rolled over to look at the clock, 5:30 am, way too early to wake up. I did not have to be at work till 10:00, so I decided to go back to sleep. Just as my head touched the pillow, WHAM the pain hit again. I felt like a knife slowly entered my side and then someone turned it in slow circles just to watch me squirm. This pain did not seem like it wanted to go away so easily. After the second wave of pain left, I decided it best that I get out of bed and go into the living room.
When I finally crawled into the living room, I saw my granny sitting in her usual recliner. She looked just as she did when I left her the night before. She sat reading the same vulgar romantic novel as she always did. Before I even had a chance to tell her about the excruciating pain in my side, she peered over her book and said, “Amanda would you mind taking out the trash since you are up?”
“Sure Granny. I would be happy to take the trash out.” I said grimacing from the pain.
So I wandered into the garage and grabbed the three bags of trash while fighting off the need to pass out. As soon as I bent over to grab the last bag of trash, the pain hit me again. This time it felt like an eighteen ton truck ran over my side. I dropped the trash and clutched my side for dear life. After ten minutes, I finally moved the trash down to the end of my driveway. I found myself sweating like a fifty year old obese man. I had no idea what ailed me but I knew it was something horrible.
When I entered the living room again, my granny looked up from her book long enough to notice the puddles of sweat on my face and shirt. She asked me if I felt ok and I told her that for some reason my body hated me and I thought I felt my insides ejecting slowly out of my bellybutton. After discussing my options with Granny, we decided I should take a trip to the emergency room. After calling my work to tell them I would not come in, Granny and I set off for the emergency room.
We finally got to the emergency room after what seemed like an eternity. Luckily I did not wait long and before I knew what happened, a doctor stood in front of me asking me all kinds of questions. I answered all the questions to the best of my ability and then he asked the million dollar question, “So do you want any pain medication?”
As I answered the question, I could not believe what I said. I actually told him that I did not want any pain medication; I wanted to tough it out. What a stupid thing to say! The doctor said ok and he would have to have a cat scan done to see if I needed to have my appendix taken out. After he left, I soon regretted my decision for no pain medicine when the stomach cramps kept getting stronger and stronger. Right when I began to think things could not get any worse, they soon did. I heard a knock at the door and behind the door stood a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
She bounded in the room like a child looking for Christmas presents. Her pony tail swung on the top of her head like a pendulum with every step. I did not think that much spunk could possibly reside in one person, but it sure did. Her hot pink scrubs almost blinded me when she came through the room. As she rummaged through every single drawer in the room, I cringed as I pondered the thought that she might have to take care of me. Then my nightmare came true, she spoke, “Hello everybody, how is everyone doing today? My name’s Candy and I am your nurse!”
Oh the horror! I pulled the paper blanket over my face and said a silent prayer. I could just see this woman getting my charts mixed up and ending up getting a prostate exam instead of going and getting a cat scan. I did not think I could handle her perkiness especially with out drugs. As I watched her grab a pair of gloves and search for just the right needle to shove into my arm, I suddenly realized exactly what she aimed to do to me. I had not noticed when she first came into the room, but she did not come in here to just give me a simple shot and then leave. Panic streamed over my body as I knew what she came in here to do. The IV bag of saline sat right next to her, and with a toothy grin she said, “OK now let me see your hand so I can give you an IV! Don’t be afraid, it doesn’t hurt at all!”
“What does she know about pain”, I thought. Here she stands wanting me to give her my hand so she can shove a needle through my skin! Is it not bad enough that my side felt as though a knife permanently embedded itself there, and now this Mickey Mouse Club reject wanted me to willingly give her my hand so she could inflict more pain upon me! I hesitated as I finally gave her my left hand. If I gave her my left hand and she managed to ruin that one I would not have too many problems because I would still have my dominant right hand. I closed my eyes and hoped for the best. The needle stung as it crept into my skin. At least now I could renege on my decision to no pain medication. As Candy taped the tubing down on my arm, I found this a perfect opportunity to ask for some drugs. “Candy, do you think I could get some pain medication soon? I am really hurting.” I asked.
“Well, sure honey! Let me just go ask your doctor!” Candy said as she bounded out of my room just as she had entered. I thought what a heavenly person. I knew I liked her as soon as I met her. Ten minutes later, the angel known as Candy reentered my room carrying a Styrofoam cup.
“Well sugar, the doctor says you can not have any pain medication because you are going to get your cat scan done in a short while. Now I just need you to drink this orange-strawberry drink for me so we can see your insides better when we do your CAT scan,” she said.
I took the cup from her and thought how wonderful, I love oranges and I love strawberries. As soon as the mixture touched my lips, I knew this drink came from the devil. Every time I swallowed the drink seemed to grow! I tried drinking fast but the faster I drank the faster the drink came back up. That devil woman wanted to poison me! I finally finished the drink and glared at the face of my arch nemesis known as Candy. My thoughts of revenge on Candy soon stopped and were replaced by the pain in my side. Maybe if I could just hit my head hard enough on the wall I could knock myself out and then I would not feel anything, so I lifted my head and before I could slam it back down a large scary orderly came into my room.
He towered over me, staring as I slowly sat in the wheel chair. A slight breeze crept by giving me a whiff of his smell, old spice and cigars, not the best combination. Gigantor, I called him, came to take me to my CAT scan, or at least I hoped he came to take me there. Slowly we crept through hallways. I tried to keep track of where we went but after what seemed like the eighth left, I lost track. Finally we reached our destination and I finally got my CAT scan. After Gigantor wheeled me back to my room, I waited to receive my results.
The doctor entered the room finally, results in hand. After spending five hours in the emergency room, I would finally find out what ailed me. I suddenly thought what if I just had a really bad case of gas? I would just crawl under a rock and never come out. The doctor came in, sat down and gave me the doctor look. He then took a deep breath and sighed. Oh no, this is bad I thought. Say something doc! Quit taking your sweet time, if I am dying you can tell me. Finally he spoke, “Your test results are back and you need to have your appendix taken out. The surgeon is going to take a look at these results but we won’t need to do surgery till tomorrow. So have you changed your mind about that pain medication yet?”
“Give me all the pain medication you want doc!” I replied.
Five minutes later Candy came in with the best present a girl could ever ask for, Demerol. Alas, finally the knife stopped turning in my side and I did not hurt. As the drugs streamed into my blood, I decided to forgive Candy for wanting to poison me and let bye gones be bye gones. As all my troubles seemed to wash away with one little shot, I decided to take a much needed nap. To my surprise, my doctor’s plans differed from my own.
My doctor reentered my room in a panic, but at this point I really did not care. When I realized Kermit the Frog happened to also be my doctor, I knew something was wrong. The surgeon looked at my lab results and decided that he needed to take my appendix out as soon as possible. So Candy and Gigantor came and rushed me to the surgical ward. Next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital room with a couple of cuts on my belly and my mom by my side asking if I needed anything.
Turns out the problem wasn’t gas, I needed to have my appendix removed in a hurry. I still don’t remember much after getting the shot of Demerol, but I do know I awoke with one less internal organ and that imaginary knife finally dislodged from my side. I left the hospital later that next day, but not before Candy could take another stab at my life when she tripped on my IV tube almost ripping it out of my hand. Fortunately my side to this day does not hurt and I have not needed the services of my favorite nurse Candy.